Saturday, January 21, 2006
Swan Song
and so it ended. slightly more than a year. it is kinda sad to leave. it is painful but necessary. it has been taking too much out of me. i m not superman. yes i m the champion of the world, but i m only human. theres still a limit. i was stretched beyond my limit. i m terribly drained now.
i know i have endless amounts of energy. in sec sch, i bring in more than 1400 bucks in 2 days of jobweek almost every year. not by luck or wad, but by mere endurance and determination. at mt biang, i carried the load nobody wanted to carry for 2 days. i din die. i can sleep for 1 hr and wake up the next day doing work for H and is still sober. sometimes i really think this energy would last me forever. i would like to think so too.
it sounds damn fun and slack to tell pple that u have a 2 day week. but does anyone know what it means? they think i m some stupid young punk who just wanna slack at home and play computer rite... they think i dun give a flying fark abt my studies.. when i said that i want to get first class honours they think that i m talking shit.. who really knows the meaning behind them? who knows whats really hidden beneath my skin?
my dream is to be a psychologist.. has been this for many years. cos i think my family is farked, and i dun want other families to be farked. so i wanna be a psychologist to unfark all the families that are already farked. i wanna help pple to get outta their emotional troubles. perhaps at the start it is already all wrong. my family is farked so how can i expect myself to help? i m emotionally unstable and always have the weirdest and most ridiculous views ever so how can i expect to give others good advice?
perhaps a dream will always remain as a dream. i know i need my masters if i wanna be a psychologist, and the only way for a pauper like me to do masters is to get a scholarship. the only way to that is to get first class honours. i suppose no1 knows that i m really damn serious abt it. maybe i only want and wish that i m serious abt it, but i cant actually do it. its true that i cant actually do it. its true.
the past sem's grades were a disaster. why? cos i really have no time to study, till the very last part.. i have 24 hrs a day but i dun have much of those hrs to myself. most of the time are either spent doing things for H, thinking of what H needs, planning what H would require me to do... H H H H H H H H..... i have no complaints. when i give my 100% i dun expect to receive 1% of grattitude from anyone. cos i give it free of charge, willingly.
everyone told me to prioritise properly. i refused to listen. i said H and sch are on equal standings. in practice, theres no sch. theres only H. i packed my timetable to 2 days a week. so that the rest of the time is all H's. 10am-6 pm without a break in between. does it sound fun? does it sound slack?
i said i quit smoking. and yea i did quit. its not difficult. its a piece of cake. only H can cause me enough problems to pick it up again. this is damn shit.
at least it is over. i have emailed him. i hope he would not try to ask me to stay.. knowing him, i think he would. knowing myself, i think i might give in. at the end of the day, it might actually not be over. but i think its over for me.
i know i have endless amounts of energy. in sec sch, i bring in more than 1400 bucks in 2 days of jobweek almost every year. not by luck or wad, but by mere endurance and determination. at mt biang, i carried the load nobody wanted to carry for 2 days. i din die. i can sleep for 1 hr and wake up the next day doing work for H and is still sober. sometimes i really think this energy would last me forever. i would like to think so too.
it sounds damn fun and slack to tell pple that u have a 2 day week. but does anyone know what it means? they think i m some stupid young punk who just wanna slack at home and play computer rite... they think i dun give a flying fark abt my studies.. when i said that i want to get first class honours they think that i m talking shit.. who really knows the meaning behind them? who knows whats really hidden beneath my skin?
my dream is to be a psychologist.. has been this for many years. cos i think my family is farked, and i dun want other families to be farked. so i wanna be a psychologist to unfark all the families that are already farked. i wanna help pple to get outta their emotional troubles. perhaps at the start it is already all wrong. my family is farked so how can i expect myself to help? i m emotionally unstable and always have the weirdest and most ridiculous views ever so how can i expect to give others good advice?
perhaps a dream will always remain as a dream. i know i need my masters if i wanna be a psychologist, and the only way for a pauper like me to do masters is to get a scholarship. the only way to that is to get first class honours. i suppose no1 knows that i m really damn serious abt it. maybe i only want and wish that i m serious abt it, but i cant actually do it. its true that i cant actually do it. its true.
the past sem's grades were a disaster. why? cos i really have no time to study, till the very last part.. i have 24 hrs a day but i dun have much of those hrs to myself. most of the time are either spent doing things for H, thinking of what H needs, planning what H would require me to do... H H H H H H H H..... i have no complaints. when i give my 100% i dun expect to receive 1% of grattitude from anyone. cos i give it free of charge, willingly.
everyone told me to prioritise properly. i refused to listen. i said H and sch are on equal standings. in practice, theres no sch. theres only H. i packed my timetable to 2 days a week. so that the rest of the time is all H's. 10am-6 pm without a break in between. does it sound fun? does it sound slack?
i said i quit smoking. and yea i did quit. its not difficult. its a piece of cake. only H can cause me enough problems to pick it up again. this is damn shit.
at least it is over. i have emailed him. i hope he would not try to ask me to stay.. knowing him, i think he would. knowing myself, i think i might give in. at the end of the day, it might actually not be over. but i think its over for me.
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