Beneath My Skin

Today's Les' birthday. It rocks to be the birthday boy. It rocks even more to receive presents. He looked at the pile of presents in his room stacked untidily at one corner and they brought a smile to his face.

He began opening his presents one by one. The first one. Wow. A Tag Heuer watch. Cool. Thanks Mum and Dad, he thought.

The second one was a teddy bear. From Mary. Stupid present, he thought as he threw it behind him immediately.

Coming up next was a framed up jigsaw puzzle done by his whole class. Good effort, but unimpressive, he thought.

An Armani exchange belt. Not bad.
A Mont-Blanc pen. Good
A bottle of handmade stars. Matter that occupies space.
A digital camera. Who needs 2?
He continued unwrapping more presents.

After he finally unwrapped all his presents, Les leaned back against his armchair. He never knew that unwrapping presents could be so tiring. Well, he got quite a number of good items that he wanted. A few extra pieces of rubbish too. But somehow, he felt empty. This sense of emptiness that came from within. Actually, he even thought that he was unhappy. There was a missing present. A present that did not come. From Grace.

He never really knew Grace. Strangely, she would send him a present every year. He thought that it would be awkward accepting presents from someone he did not really know well, so he always rejected them and passed them back to the mailman.

This year, the present did not even arrive. She must have been angry. She might be heartbroken too after all the rejections. Maybe she finally decided to ignore him like he had ignored her.

The missing present made him perplexed and troubled. Why did he reject the present time and time again? Afterall, everyone loves presents. Why could he accept all the other presents but not this one? What is so hard about accepting her presents?

He went for a stroll in the park, trying to find some comfort in the tranquility of the serene nature. He never expected himself to be bothered by a missing present from someone he did not really know.

A bright area from a distance caught his attention. He went towards it and saw many candles on the floor. The lit candles formed alphabets that made up the words 'Happy Birthday'. Behind those words were a stack of presents piled up one on top of the other. Wow. He took a closer look. He rememebered some of them. They were the ones he rejected. He suddenly felt a surge of warm air surrounding his body, like an embrace that hugged him tight. His sense of emptiness started leaking away. At the corner of his eye, he saw Grace. He had decided to accept Grace.

Everyone received presents before. The rich ones probably received limos, yatchts and private jets. The not so rich ones, birthday cakes and greeting cards. Even the poorest of the poor received hugs, kisses and smiles before. Apart from all that, the fact that we are here in this world now is a gift, that's why they call it the Present. No doubt, this gift of life is wonderful. But there is another present far more beautiful than Life. One can collect all the presents in the world but miss out on just this one, he would have missed everything.

Amazing Grace.

Amelia was dozing off in the middle of the class. She was getting complacent because she realised she could understand what was going on despite skipping the previous week's lesson. She attributed it to her own intelligence and was grinning widely even as she fell asleep.

Although such poor attitudes towards learning should never be condoned, one could hardly blame her as the lecture was indeed very dry and boring. Even the lecturer himself realised this fact and was also trying his best to keep himself awake. He decided to take a sip from the cup of coffee he had earlier brought into the lecture.

Just as he was about to bring his mouth to the cup, he was pushed back by a mysterious force and a goblin jumped out of the coffee cup. Everyone in the class, except Amelia who was sleeping, was dumbstruck. A goblin jumping out of a coffee cup??? This sounded simply ridiculous. The goblin was furious as he could sense precisely these sentiments that were written on everyone's face. He was sure that everyone had heard of him before. He was foretold in the big red Book of Poems, that he would come one day to bring destruction.

The goblin immediately jumped at the lecturer and started pulling his hair out and eating them. The poor lecturer wailed in pain as the whole class went hysterical. Disturbed by the commotion, Amelia woke up. She saw the goblin. Being an avid reader of the big red Book of Poems, she recognised the goblin and knew that it was not a good sign.

Amelia felt her lungs constricting. Her vision started to blur as she felt her surroundings spinning around her. The next moment, she fainted. An Indian guy in the class saw Amelia faint and immediately rushed towards her. However, he did not see the elevated step before him and unluckily tripped over it the moment he moved. He fainted too.

The rest of the students evacuated the classroom in great fear upon seeing the goblin. The Indian guy's friend dragged him out of the classroom as he made his escape. Some of them wanted to carry Amelia out, but no one could lift her because she was too heavy. Amelia must have regretted drinking so much milk that made her bones so heavy. She should have taken more iron instead, at least, it might have helped her anaemia and she might not have fainted. On second thought, iron would perhaps have made it worse since it weighs more than milk.

The goblin saw Amelia. Amelia managed to regain consciousness but was too afraid to move. The goblin gave a long eerie laughter.

'Are you afraid of me?' asked the goblin.
'....no...' Amelia replied.
'HAhahhAHhahHah.. you are afraid aren't you?'
'no.. I am not!' Tears began to flow uncontrollably.
'Why not?'
'Superman is my helper. I will not be afraid.'
'I am Superman.'
'I will not be deceived by your lies.'
'I can see fear in your eyes. Beg for mercy and I will set you free.'
'I will fear no evil because Superman is with me.'
'You are afraid of me and I will make u suffer unless you beg for mercy.'
'It's all written in the big red Book of Poems that Superman will come down from the clouds and destroy you. I have nothing to fear.'

Amelia believed that the big red Book of Poems is true and in her heart, she told Superman to come as fast as he could. The goblin continued taunting her and did not realise when Superman arrived, standing right behind him. Amelia was relieved. Superman took out a lighter and set the goblin in flames. The goblin cried in vain as the tongues of flames engulfed him.

'Thank you Superman!' Amelia screamed as she went forward to hug him. She had been looking forward to see him for so long.

'Here's a gift for you.' Superman stuffed a box into her hand.



'Hey, wake up Amelia! Lecture just ended!' said the Indian guy. Amelia rubbed her eyes as she awoke from her slumber.

'Where's Superman?' she asked.

'Stop dreaming! Lecture is over. We are supposed to have our project discussion now. Silly of you to dream of Superman. He doesn't exist!' the Indian boy replied.

Amelia realised that she was dreaming. Then again, maybe not. She opened her palm and saw a box. It was the box Superman gave her. It was a box of iron pills.

Again, it's easier to run, replacing the pain with something numb. With the earphones blaring and loud music flooding the ears, the adrenalin that rushed through his veins chilled his pulsating nerves. The blend of emotions that flowed in his blood became diluted as the anaesthetic began to set in. Soon, his neurotransmittors were shut and he could no longer feel his body. He could still move his eyes and he could see that his arms and legs were still moving in a coordinated fashion. His own breathing and heart beat were loud and perfectly audible still as his mind slowly came to a blank.

At 2 am in the early morning, this young man was alone on the streets. Not alone because there wasn't anyone else. In fact, there were people around. A few here and there. Insignificant people. Alien faces. Beings whose existence do not interest and concern him. Nevertheless, he was alone.

Alone because he was seemingly sucked into a vacuum and put into an air tight bubble filled to the brim with nothingness. His senses had been kidnapped and locked out of this paradigm of time. He could only remain as a lonely observer of his surroundings. Observing how his body was running. How every ounce of strength mustered and applied in each muscle. How his feet made contact with his socks, that kissed the insoles of his shoes which were pounding hard against the concrete floor. Alone. Paralysed by his captivity, he could do nothing other than to just enjoy his astral imprisonment.

His body was running on and on. Went past many street lamps and made a few bends. Soon, he was nearing a crowded area. He wondered why it could still be crowded at such an unearthly hour. He could not figure it out and was irritataed. Irritated because it would mean that he had to stop. Meaning that the momentum would have to be broken. The chemical reactions within his body would be disrupted. Worst of all, he would have to force himself to be in control of his body again.

He exited from his numbness and regained his body. The cacophony of loud chatter and mindless conversations invaded his ears at once. The stale air disturbed his nostrils. He could feel the remnants of dried perspiration causing discomfort to his skin as fresh beads of perspiration started to coalesce at various spots on his body. He could feel a blanket of heat wrapped around his body, with fatigue accumulating beneath his skin. Well, he became in control again. And he loathed it.

Because he was still alone. Alone in the sea of people. He could see faces everywhere around him in that stretch. None were recognisable. He turned his head left, then he looked right. All of them looked so strange to him. A little irritation and some bits of despair started to pile up. He suddenly shouted at the top of his voice. The loud yell focussed everyone's attention on him. 'They can hear me!' he thought to himself. So he yelled again. This time louder and longer. The people resumed their activities, back to their own businesses. He was wrong. They could not hear him. No one did.

In a fit of anger, he gathered his strength again and sprinted away. He continued and ran non-stop tll he reached his original starting point. Breathless, he lay on the ground, facing the sky.

The sky was blank. No moon, no stars. A few clouds occasionally drifted by, after which it became a blank expanse of darkness again. Where are the stars? Where is the moon?

Perhaps they had put on their earphones and gone jogging.

Dear Friend,

This is a letter for you, dear friend. I don't know if you still regard me as one. I would not be surprised if you don't. I would not be surprised too if you want to but could not bring yourself to do so. I believe none of us would have expected things to turn out this way. I still do not know what to make of the situation and also do not really know what I should do to make things better.

At this point in time, I believe there is no point in dwelling on the specifics of things, of why certain things were done, why certain things were not done, why things were done in a particular manner etc. You wanted to hear no apologies and I would respect that.

I just want to let you know that throughout these 2 years, I had made 2 of the most painful decisions of my life. The first decision was to make the switch. Yes, everyone thought that I was happy with the switch and voluntarily made the switch after much thought. Actually I was trying to make myself think that way too. No matter how much I tried to rationalise and tell myself about the pros that outweigh the cons, the pain doesn't seem to reduce. I made the switch so that I could have more time at hand to handle the matters there. That was the best compromise that I could make, such that I would not deprive either my studies or there the attention they need. Unknowingly, I had managed to subconsciously convince myself to give up my own dream so that energy could be channelled fully elsewhere in hope of building the common dream.

Nevertheless, the pain gradually sets in. Seeing others doing the things I want to do but cannot do, trying to convince myself again that it is the best arrangement, finding more excuses and reasons to tell myself why the switch is the right choice etc. After a while, I don't know what I am doing anymore. Finally I decided to switch back.

Looking back, perhaps that was the starting point where everything started to fall apart. I was not aware of it back then, and I regret for failing to spot this tell-tale sign. The point of deciding to switch back is the point where I suddenly found myself again. Slowly it came to me that all these while, I had been living a lie.

I did not realise it till then. The things that I said, the promises that I made, the dreams that I pursued. They were all not mine. I know it is very irresponsible to deny all that. It is even more irresponsible to absolve myself of all the duties I have just because of this so-called realisation. This hit me so hard that I found it impossible to continue anymore, not even for another day. I can try to, but I know I will not be able to do a good job.

I know that my departure will have its impacts. Given past experiences, my own judgement tells me that it is beyond doubt that the team would have to suffer because of me no matter what preventive measures they choose to take. That became the other painful decision that I have to take. To leave and know that after I leave people will suffer because of me. I know you may think that if I had given time for a transition to take place, the team would not have to suffer to this extent. Perhaps you are right. But it was never my intention to leave in an abrupt manner. I think there is no point in going through what I should or should not have done, the facts of the matter, the logic and rationality behind everything etc. That is not my intention.

My intention is not to deny the responsibilities. I am also not trying to make a point by saying that I am right. The only intention of this letter is to tell you that I experienced the pain too. Maybe this pain is a much lesser pain than what all of you are experiencing now. Maybe this is not important to you. Maybe you are more concerned with the operations of things. That is something that I am not going to address, which again might cause you to think of me in a lesser sense than you already do.

On top of that, I want to thank you. I want to tell you that I am extremely extremely extremely extremely grateful to you. I had wanted to tell you this a long time ago. I thought it would be the most appropriate to tell you that when we reach the summit. But it's not gonna happen now. I wouldn't be there at the summit with you. I wanna thank you for all the things that you had ever said to me. I think that the things you had said to me have directly and indirectly impacted me tremendously. If I had not learnt all those things that I had learnt from you these past 10 years, I would just be another ordinary doraemon caught up in my own silly little world.

I wish you all the best. You may consider this hypocritical. If I had intended the best for you, perhaps I would not have done what I did. What I have done was certainly not the best thing that I can do to you or to anybody else, that is why I can only wish you the best with all my heart. I can no longer be the hands and legs to ensure that the best is achieved, I can only wish and pray that it would still be achieved nonetheless without me.

Regards,
The Selfish and Inconsiderate One who Lacks a Conscience

It's been a while. He never thought he could do it again. There was a period of drought where all his ideas and inspiration all dried up, because the source had been sealed and shut out. He had been so used to drawing energy from the Dark side that it somehow seemed unnatural to use another source.

On his conscious mind, he condemned the Dark side for its wickedness, dirty tricks, selfishness and destruction, yet, beneath his skin, the manifestations of gloom, pessimism, cynicism and disbelief nourished his soul. He would not admit from his mouth that he was from the Dark side. But he would admit that he did not believe in the Force.

The Force, is something so intangible that he could not feel, so impersonal that it appeared plastic and so distant that it seemed at best only surreal. Yet, the Force appeals to him. The lure of something divine and omnipotent, the promises of eternity and the epitomy of everlasting goodness were all that he hoped he could be a part of. As much as he wanted to believe in the Force, something was holding him back.

Most of the time, he would dismiss the existence of the Force, because of several aspects which he could not come to terms with. He thought that the Force was just an imaginary presence created by the weak minded to seek solace. It was no different from being the opium of the masses. Furthermore, history had shown that the School of the Force, the institution that proclaims the glory of the Force, was not as pure and clean as what it made itself out to be. Legalism and inflexible dogma painted a new face for the School, making it only slightly distinguishable from the Dark side.

As such, he had difficulties coming to terms with the Force. Nevertheless, his innate desire to reconcile with the Force subconsciously tried to seek the Way, the Truth and the Life. At the same time, he too unconsciously drew energy from the Dark side to churn out works of contempt, cynicism, disillusionment, hopelessness and disappointment, as an expression of his frustration of his failure to balance his internal struggle.

Miraculously, the Voice from the Force spoke to him one day and changed his life forever. He began to realise he was a fiend from the Dark side. Despite consciously making an effort to seive out thoughts and actions that were associated with the Dark side, he was still unknowingly its very own slave. He was born with it. It is the Original Darkness that was trapped inside him and everyone else.

He is so thankful to the Voice. It is only through the Voice that his internal struggles were resolved. He learnt the one most important thing that saved his life: Grace. Grace is not just a defense mechanism used as a shield against the Dark side, it is an offensive weapon that can pierce through walls of Darkness and dissolve all the Darkness from within. The Voice gave him Grace, that rescued him from this Original Darkness.

Yes that was great. But because he had lost contact with most of the Dark side, he soon found himself unable to write. He realised that all he had written so far were all drawn from the Dark side. he tried to draw energy from the Force to write. It felt weird and was a little uncomfortable with it. Finally, it is starting to work for him now. He soon found himself more tuned to the mechanisms of the Force and it no longer felt weird wielding the Force.

May the Force be with him.