Wednesday, May 30, 2007
Deja Vu
He found himself in the same situation once more. Not the deja-vu again. The same place, the same events, the same feeling. Just that the characters were different now. Different people with different faces, yet the same turmoil built up beneath the turbulence of emotions beneath his skin.
Like always, this turbulence was kept well hidden away from sight. Away from the sight of others and also away from his own gaze. It was something that he did not really want to face. Because it was something he did not dare face. Perhaps evasion might be a solution. Just like he had done it in the past. Just a three point turn. Face 180 degrees away. Take off and start darting off.
It was easier to run. Replacing all that with something numb. The mechanical concentration on the physical exertion of bodily limbs, and the layer of bodily fluid that sweatily clung onto his skin usually served well to act as a good deterrence. He recalled the times where he was once faced with such similar situations.
The first time dated back many years ago, when he was young and immature. The situation suddenly loomed up in front of his face and he was caught by surprise. He did not know how to react and so he started running away. And after a while, things turned out fine. Fine for everyone else of course. He was not really fine, but eventually he still became fine.
Just when he thought that he was really fine, history repeated to remind him of what he could not run away from. Nevertheless, he still ran. It was as if the marathon was addictive. Somehow, the test of endurance and will power seemed like an exciting game to trifle with. However, it left a bad after taste in mouth. But after a while, everything turned out fine. Fine for everyone else of course. He was not really fine, but eventually he still became fine.
Now the third time round. It had come back again to haunt him. He should have been more experienced and mature now. He should know how to handle it well. He should know the necessary steps he needs to take and what he should avoid doing and not doing. He should know everything that is required of him to ensure that the situation turns out in the best way for everyone.
Strangely, he was still unsure. He felt like a moron, a slow learner who should have grasped an easy concept eons ago but somehow remained stuck at the most elementary level of the task. Perhaps he should do what he usually does. In that manner. That will bring the same outcome. Where everything turned out fine. Fine for everyone else of course. He would not really be fine, but eventually he would become fine. Somehow, there was some hints of hesitation.
The crossroad now stands before him: To take the trodden path or the road less travelled.
Robert Frost unconsciously came to his mind, as though urging him to choose the path he had chosen. But it doesn't really feel convincing either.
He decided perhaps he would take out his sleeping bag and call that juncture his temporary home. Perhaps after a good night's sleep, enough fallen leaves would have gathered on the patch of ground in front of him to join the separate paths into a single straight road.
Like always, this turbulence was kept well hidden away from sight. Away from the sight of others and also away from his own gaze. It was something that he did not really want to face. Because it was something he did not dare face. Perhaps evasion might be a solution. Just like he had done it in the past. Just a three point turn. Face 180 degrees away. Take off and start darting off.
It was easier to run. Replacing all that with something numb. The mechanical concentration on the physical exertion of bodily limbs, and the layer of bodily fluid that sweatily clung onto his skin usually served well to act as a good deterrence. He recalled the times where he was once faced with such similar situations.
The first time dated back many years ago, when he was young and immature. The situation suddenly loomed up in front of his face and he was caught by surprise. He did not know how to react and so he started running away. And after a while, things turned out fine. Fine for everyone else of course. He was not really fine, but eventually he still became fine.
Just when he thought that he was really fine, history repeated to remind him of what he could not run away from. Nevertheless, he still ran. It was as if the marathon was addictive. Somehow, the test of endurance and will power seemed like an exciting game to trifle with. However, it left a bad after taste in mouth. But after a while, everything turned out fine. Fine for everyone else of course. He was not really fine, but eventually he still became fine.
Now the third time round. It had come back again to haunt him. He should have been more experienced and mature now. He should know how to handle it well. He should know the necessary steps he needs to take and what he should avoid doing and not doing. He should know everything that is required of him to ensure that the situation turns out in the best way for everyone.
Strangely, he was still unsure. He felt like a moron, a slow learner who should have grasped an easy concept eons ago but somehow remained stuck at the most elementary level of the task. Perhaps he should do what he usually does. In that manner. That will bring the same outcome. Where everything turned out fine. Fine for everyone else of course. He would not really be fine, but eventually he would become fine. Somehow, there was some hints of hesitation.
The crossroad now stands before him: To take the trodden path or the road less travelled.
Robert Frost unconsciously came to his mind, as though urging him to choose the path he had chosen. But it doesn't really feel convincing either.
He decided perhaps he would take out his sleeping bag and call that juncture his temporary home. Perhaps after a good night's sleep, enough fallen leaves would have gathered on the patch of ground in front of him to join the separate paths into a single straight road.
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