Tuesday, October 03, 2006
A Letter to You
Dear Friend,
This is a letter for you, dear friend. I don't know if you still regard me as one. I would not be surprised if you don't. I would not be surprised too if you want to but could not bring yourself to do so. I believe none of us would have expected things to turn out this way. I still do not know what to make of the situation and also do not really know what I should do to make things better.
At this point in time, I believe there is no point in dwelling on the specifics of things, of why certain things were done, why certain things were not done, why things were done in a particular manner etc. You wanted to hear no apologies and I would respect that.
I just want to let you know that throughout these 2 years, I had made 2 of the most painful decisions of my life. The first decision was to make the switch. Yes, everyone thought that I was happy with the switch and voluntarily made the switch after much thought. Actually I was trying to make myself think that way too. No matter how much I tried to rationalise and tell myself about the pros that outweigh the cons, the pain doesn't seem to reduce. I made the switch so that I could have more time at hand to handle the matters there. That was the best compromise that I could make, such that I would not deprive either my studies or there the attention they need. Unknowingly, I had managed to subconsciously convince myself to give up my own dream so that energy could be channelled fully elsewhere in hope of building the common dream.
Nevertheless, the pain gradually sets in. Seeing others doing the things I want to do but cannot do, trying to convince myself again that it is the best arrangement, finding more excuses and reasons to tell myself why the switch is the right choice etc. After a while, I don't know what I am doing anymore. Finally I decided to switch back.
Looking back, perhaps that was the starting point where everything started to fall apart. I was not aware of it back then, and I regret for failing to spot this tell-tale sign. The point of deciding to switch back is the point where I suddenly found myself again. Slowly it came to me that all these while, I had been living a lie.
I did not realise it till then. The things that I said, the promises that I made, the dreams that I pursued. They were all not mine. I know it is very irresponsible to deny all that. It is even more irresponsible to absolve myself of all the duties I have just because of this so-called realisation. This hit me so hard that I found it impossible to continue anymore, not even for another day. I can try to, but I know I will not be able to do a good job.
I know that my departure will have its impacts. Given past experiences, my own judgement tells me that it is beyond doubt that the team would have to suffer because of me no matter what preventive measures they choose to take. That became the other painful decision that I have to take. To leave and know that after I leave people will suffer because of me. I know you may think that if I had given time for a transition to take place, the team would not have to suffer to this extent. Perhaps you are right. But it was never my intention to leave in an abrupt manner. I think there is no point in going through what I should or should not have done, the facts of the matter, the logic and rationality behind everything etc. That is not my intention.
My intention is not to deny the responsibilities. I am also not trying to make a point by saying that I am right. The only intention of this letter is to tell you that I experienced the pain too. Maybe this pain is a much lesser pain than what all of you are experiencing now. Maybe this is not important to you. Maybe you are more concerned with the operations of things. That is something that I am not going to address, which again might cause you to think of me in a lesser sense than you already do.
On top of that, I want to thank you. I want to tell you that I am extremely extremely extremely extremely grateful to you. I had wanted to tell you this a long time ago. I thought it would be the most appropriate to tell you that when we reach the summit. But it's not gonna happen now. I wouldn't be there at the summit with you. I wanna thank you for all the things that you had ever said to me. I think that the things you had said to me have directly and indirectly impacted me tremendously. If I had not learnt all those things that I had learnt from you these past 10 years, I would just be another ordinary doraemon caught up in my own silly little world.
I wish you all the best. You may consider this hypocritical. If I had intended the best for you, perhaps I would not have done what I did. What I have done was certainly not the best thing that I can do to you or to anybody else, that is why I can only wish you the best with all my heart. I can no longer be the hands and legs to ensure that the best is achieved, I can only wish and pray that it would still be achieved nonetheless without me.
Regards,
The Selfish and Inconsiderate One who Lacks a Conscience
This is a letter for you, dear friend. I don't know if you still regard me as one. I would not be surprised if you don't. I would not be surprised too if you want to but could not bring yourself to do so. I believe none of us would have expected things to turn out this way. I still do not know what to make of the situation and also do not really know what I should do to make things better.
At this point in time, I believe there is no point in dwelling on the specifics of things, of why certain things were done, why certain things were not done, why things were done in a particular manner etc. You wanted to hear no apologies and I would respect that.
I just want to let you know that throughout these 2 years, I had made 2 of the most painful decisions of my life. The first decision was to make the switch. Yes, everyone thought that I was happy with the switch and voluntarily made the switch after much thought. Actually I was trying to make myself think that way too. No matter how much I tried to rationalise and tell myself about the pros that outweigh the cons, the pain doesn't seem to reduce. I made the switch so that I could have more time at hand to handle the matters there. That was the best compromise that I could make, such that I would not deprive either my studies or there the attention they need. Unknowingly, I had managed to subconsciously convince myself to give up my own dream so that energy could be channelled fully elsewhere in hope of building the common dream.
Nevertheless, the pain gradually sets in. Seeing others doing the things I want to do but cannot do, trying to convince myself again that it is the best arrangement, finding more excuses and reasons to tell myself why the switch is the right choice etc. After a while, I don't know what I am doing anymore. Finally I decided to switch back.
Looking back, perhaps that was the starting point where everything started to fall apart. I was not aware of it back then, and I regret for failing to spot this tell-tale sign. The point of deciding to switch back is the point where I suddenly found myself again. Slowly it came to me that all these while, I had been living a lie.
I did not realise it till then. The things that I said, the promises that I made, the dreams that I pursued. They were all not mine. I know it is very irresponsible to deny all that. It is even more irresponsible to absolve myself of all the duties I have just because of this so-called realisation. This hit me so hard that I found it impossible to continue anymore, not even for another day. I can try to, but I know I will not be able to do a good job.
I know that my departure will have its impacts. Given past experiences, my own judgement tells me that it is beyond doubt that the team would have to suffer because of me no matter what preventive measures they choose to take. That became the other painful decision that I have to take. To leave and know that after I leave people will suffer because of me. I know you may think that if I had given time for a transition to take place, the team would not have to suffer to this extent. Perhaps you are right. But it was never my intention to leave in an abrupt manner. I think there is no point in going through what I should or should not have done, the facts of the matter, the logic and rationality behind everything etc. That is not my intention.
My intention is not to deny the responsibilities. I am also not trying to make a point by saying that I am right. The only intention of this letter is to tell you that I experienced the pain too. Maybe this pain is a much lesser pain than what all of you are experiencing now. Maybe this is not important to you. Maybe you are more concerned with the operations of things. That is something that I am not going to address, which again might cause you to think of me in a lesser sense than you already do.
On top of that, I want to thank you. I want to tell you that I am extremely extremely extremely extremely grateful to you. I had wanted to tell you this a long time ago. I thought it would be the most appropriate to tell you that when we reach the summit. But it's not gonna happen now. I wouldn't be there at the summit with you. I wanna thank you for all the things that you had ever said to me. I think that the things you had said to me have directly and indirectly impacted me tremendously. If I had not learnt all those things that I had learnt from you these past 10 years, I would just be another ordinary doraemon caught up in my own silly little world.
I wish you all the best. You may consider this hypocritical. If I had intended the best for you, perhaps I would not have done what I did. What I have done was certainly not the best thing that I can do to you or to anybody else, that is why I can only wish you the best with all my heart. I can no longer be the hands and legs to ensure that the best is achieved, I can only wish and pray that it would still be achieved nonetheless without me.
Regards,
The Selfish and Inconsiderate One who Lacks a Conscience
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