Beneath My Skin

the sand trickled in the hourglass
each breath life seeps away

the hand moves, slowly and steadily
tick tock tick tock

the shadow on the dial shifts
the body weakens with each action

the sun rays shine, the moon light beams
the pace remains constant, or so it seems
where in this paradigm of time
willl there be a sign
to put everything in light
clearing darkness from the night

He was dumbfounded. It took a while before reaity finally sank in. Nevertheless, that piece of news was too bitter to swallow. He could not believe that she was gone just like that.

There were some memories. Memories that still remained vivid. But he had to try so hard to resist recalling them. Memories are cruel things. They constantly reminded him how vulnerable he was and how weak he was. He longed for Amnesia.

That night, he could not sleep. It was indeed too cruel for an illness to take away his best friend just like that. Tossing and turning under the blanket. Tossing and turning. More tossing and turning.

He finally sat up. Amnesia and Sleep, this pair of elusive twins seemed to hate him a lot. To make matters worse, there was a bug buzzing around in his room. He kept shoving his hands around and started screaming. The bug refused to leave his room. He stared hard at the bug which was resting beside his bed. It was not a detestable bug. It was a butterfly. He understood. Torrents of tears began flowing fast and free.

Jane.

Back at lalaland again last night. It seems to have changed. Still, there's some sort of familiarity hanging around in the air. The more things change, the more they remain the same. The oxygen in the air still smells the same and every step taken there seems to fill him with renewed euphoria. That, is the part of him that knows. That, is the part of him who can see, smell, hear, feel and touch. He sees the familiarity of things around him. He sees the logic and rationality hidden beneath the surface.

Despite that, he is always separated from himself there, at lalaland. he doesn't know that he is separated from He. But He knows. he would probably realise too, but that would always come much later. He stands at the side, looking at the ridiculous things he is doing.

Things that do not make sense. Things that you know are made up. These things are the ones that you can expect to happen every moment at lalaland without you even finding anything strange about them.

he was brushing his teeth at home. after rinsing his mouth, he jumped back onto his bed and started reading his book. after two pages, he was in a library reading a thick reference book. He stood at the corner, chuckling to himself. he did not realise it. because he is still reading. soon, he got tired of reading. he walked to the library counter. and ordered a glass of lychee martini. not surprisingly, the lady served it to him. he held the glass and sipped the drink to quench his thirst. Again, He smiled to himself after seeing what happened.

he began to feel a little bored in the library. it seemed too suffocating, to be trapped behind four walls and artificially cooled air. he walked to the lift and entered the doors. he pressed on the button '4'. the doors opened and he walked out quickly. as soon as he stepped out of the lift, he walked to his right and laid on the bench, enjoying the fresh air in the open park. there were some kids playing with kites at the far corner. a few metres away from his bench was a dog running on the spot in circles. He grinned wryly again.

It is now time. Yes, time's up now. It's gonna stop. He went to him. And he became He. He became he. He opened his eyes and found himself on the bed, with the alarm clock beside him screaming for some attention. Another day begins.

It is weird isn’t it? Things always happen when you least expect it. When you hope that the one million dollars from the lottery would be yours, it never happens. When you make a birthday wish, you seldom expect it to be fulfilled. When you enter a lucky draw contest, you can almost for sure say that the winner will not be you. Yet, sometimes when you are just that certain that such things would not happen, it just happens, probably just to irritate you, and to show you that nothing is certain in this world. Indeed, one can never be too sure about something. When the bookmakers offer the odds payout of 1.01 for something, think twice before assuming that it is a foregone conclusion that you will win.

From time to time, something would sprout out of nowhere to challenge existing pillars of truth, to make the formidable appear vulnerable and to reveal the cracks and crevices within the magnificence and majesty. Perhaps this is the real world order. This is the way things work. The world has its own balancing mechanism, to ensure that when something has achieved too much stability, something must present itself to disrupt this peace and tranquility. It can be said that such a measure is necessary, without which complacency would breed and in time, because of prolonged stability, apathy might also strive to dominate. The end result would be the turning against of the very stability that everyone had put their faith in from the start.

Norbwand just began to understand all these things. He had a tremendous discovery and was sure that it would rock the world. But how was he going to make this discovery be known to the world? Surely he could not be traveling physically around the world to tell people about it. What was he thinking? In this modern age of technology, news would spread faster than he could even imagine. He decided that he would put his ideas down in a book and everyone who read it would be astounded by the new insight he discovered.

He sat down on his chair and started writing.

Tommy was lost for words. He never imagined that things would turn out like that. We had all been deceived! This could perhaps be the biggest cover-up in the history of mankind. Mathematics has been considered the foundation for science. It had manifested itself in everyone’s lives. Calculating the change you will receive when you pay for something. Counting the time you need to leave your house and get to your destination. Putting the numbers and figures right in your bank accounts and tax sheets. What if the fundamentals of mathematics are proven to be wrong? Would the world fall apart?

Everything in the world follows certain axioms, which are sets of assumptions that were made, upon which more ideas were built on. If these very axioms were one day proven to be wrong, the skyscrapers that were piled on top of the foundation stone would topple like falling bricks of Jenga.

Tommy was gasping for air. His discovery must be made known to the world. Everyone must know the truth and stop living in deception. In mathematics, one of the very first things taught is that one plus one is equals to two. From simple arithmetic to more complex mathematical topics, the rule ‘one plus one equals to two’ is the building block upon which everything is built on.

How would his discovery change the world? Tommy had no answers. A world where one plus one does not equal to two was simply something too much for his mind to comprehend. The founding fathers of mathematics had deliberately created such a rule, to ensure that their legacy continues. They knew that they would one day die, but their rule would live on forever. Even if it was false, it did not matter to them.

In his research, Tommy discovered that one plus one is actually three. When one man and one woman come together, they produce one child. So one plus one equals three. Sometimes, it can even be four, five, six or even more. How amazing. When you put one spoon of salt into one glass of water, you get a glass of salty water. Here, one plus one equals one. Hence, one plus one can be one as well. When you take a paper and put it to a flame, you get no more paper left. One plus one becomes zero! Tommy took a moment to savour the brilliance of his own discovery.

Soon, the world would know about the selfish evil plot the founding fathers of Mathematics had created to bring glory to themselves. It is necessary to reveal the truth, but the truth might be too great for anyone to bear. What must be done must be done.

Norbwand stood up from his chair. Finally, it was completed. He would get the book published and soon everyone would be talking about it. Maybe they might even make it into a movie. Whatever it might turn out to be, it was his responsibility to shed light onto the rest of the deluded world.

He had to shut it out from his mind. Inaction and passiveness would only carry him this far. It was the end of the road. Chances and opportunities are not gifts that Santa Claus gives out everyday. If this myth was real, it would occur at best only once a year. One could wait for Christmas, but he certainly could not expect Christmas to come on anytime of the year other than 25 December. Nevertheless, people loved to wait for things like that to happen. Though at the back of the mind they know the chance of it occurring is probably as low as spotting a green elephant crossing the road, they somehow think that it is still a realistic chance. Maybe that is why people like to buy lottery tickets. Choosing to ignore the extremely probable outcome that they would win nothing, they put their hope on the most unlikely outcome.

Perhaps this is the way people work. After all, what would life be without hope? What would life be without fairy tales, fantasy stories, sweet romantic dreams and tales with perfect wonderful endings? That was the best way he could comfort himself. Indeed, it sounded convincing enough to tell himself that it was not just another excuse.

He laid on his bed and prepared to sleep. He tossed and turned, occasionally sitting up for a while before lying back down again. Was it insomnia? Surely it was not too traumatic for him to sleep? Maybe it was. He knew that he accidentally shed a tear or two when he was under the blanket. Why was he doing this? He could not understand. Surely what happened was definitely not a good thing, but surely he should not be bothered by it? He asked himself if he was affected. His mind told him no. No. He was not affected. It was just one of those things in life that did not happen as he would wish.

He shut his eyes again. Soon, he found them open. Why could he not sleep? Irritation began to set in. It was clearly affecting him. He did no know why but all of a sudden he was feeling down. Down. Down. Down. Down in the dumps. He felt like crying. He sat up, holding the pillow near his face. Tears began to start flowing. Yes. He was sad. He cold not get it off his mind.

He started imagining Lydia in his mind. Lydia and him. Things they did together. Some of which were real. Some were his fantasies. It was supposed to be saddening, but somehow, it felt good. It was not entirely good, but it was not bad either. Like a smoker addicted to cigarettes, he seemed to be hooked on these thoughts.

It took him quite a long while before he got off those thoughts. He must be out of his mind. How could he allow himself to think that way? His vulnerability could not be exposed. He was the alpha male. He was an impregnable fortress, a bastion that could not be broken into. Such weak thoughts were so uncharacteristic of him. It was simply ridiculous.

Unknowingly, he was already lying on the bed snoring. How silly. How much could pride be worth? He might have thought that his pride was worth almost his life. But still sometimes, he could fall into such lapses.

Well, maybe he could do something for him. He could work a little over time. Sometimes he wondered if he was too lazy. Alright. He would work over time. Too much time off could get boring sometimes.

Did he sleep well last night? A slight neck ache, other than that it should be pretty fine. He got out of his bed and went to take his usual morning stroll in the park. After the walk, he should feel more awake and ready for the next day’s work. He dragged his feet lazily on the pathway, yawning occasionally. Something at the corner of his eye caught his attention. What in the blue hell was that? He rubbed his eyes again. What he saw was simply out of this world. At the far end of the road some distances away, he saw a GREEN ELEPHANT. What on earth is a GREEN ELEPHANT doing here? Wait a minute. Do green elephants exist? Oh my god. As if seeing a green elephant was not ridiculous enough, the next thing he saw was the green elephant CROSSING THE ROAD! Absolutely absurd. He wanted to run over and take a closer look, but the next moment he looked up, the green elephant had disappeared.

The green elephant certainly made him completely wide awake. He was ready to go to work. He hurried back home, took a shower, and rushed off to work.

Monday blues again. What else could be worse than work? He knew that it was useless complaining because everyone else was also trapped in this wretched lifeless life there. Just when he decided to take a short break from work, he received an SMS from his handphone. It was Lydia. She had broken up with that guy and she wanted to meet him for dinner to talk. Not a good thing to be happy about that someone broke up, but he still felt happy. He scowled at his own evil thoughts.

The SMS had lifted his spirits. He was extremely productive at work and his manager was amazed at his efficiency. When he worked fast, time seemed to pass so quickly that he did not notice it. It was time to knock off. He rushed down to the meeting place. Lydia was already there. They talked a lot during dinner. After that, they went for a stroll in the park. Soon, Lydia was in his arms.

The alarm buzzed. Freak!! He got woken up rudely from his sleep. Argh. Another idiotic dream. He thought that he needed some medicine to clear his mind of such ridiculous thoughts. It was making a mockery out of himself. He washed up and went for his usual morning stroll.

A bunch of kids were playing noisily at a corner of the park. Irritating kids. He hated kids. They should be responsible for a large proportion of the world’s noise pollution. He frowned as he was walking past them. One of them was drawing a picture. It was a green elephant. Incensed, he went up to him and told him that he got the colour wrong. The bunch of kids all laughed at him. He stormed off angrily. Kids are also one of the most stupid living things on earth, he thought to himself.

His day unfolded just like any other day, each daily routine leading to the next, till it was knockoff time. He received an SMS. It was Lydia. He scratched his head. It was the same SMS he got in his dream. And dinner was perfect, just like the dream. And they went for a stroll in the park too.

‘Hey, look at that in the sky!’ Lydia exclaimed. He looked up. It was a shooting star. A rare sight indeed.

Up there above the clouds, on the shooting star, Santa Claus was riding on his reindeer. Sometimes working over time is indeed not bad. After all Christmas is still many months away. One should not just wait for Christmas.

So it happened again. She had done it again. Not that she really wanted to do it. But again and again it happened. Now she found herself in the same place she had been so many times. This is all too familiar. She looked up into the sky. The same dark nite sky. Where are the stars? Where is the moon? Cant they appear to at least show some comfort?

And there he stood. He always appeared so disgusting. Yet not always, but only at this time, when the passion is all over and the heat of the moment had passed. Oh it would always seem so romantic. The handholding. The peck on the cheek. The solitary walks in the park. And then the peck. And then the pecks would grow longer. The hugs deeper. Before they knew it, they were at it again. And now there he was again as he always looked. So selfish, so disgusting. But she never saw it. Not till it was all over. Yet again and again it happened.

She loathed him. He was an insensitive, selfish and unloving prick. But why? Why? Why? Why did it only always appear at their final throws of passion? It had passed. It was no longer present. She stood there in the still air. All she could feel was the nite air caressing her skin. She raised her hand and tried to get hold of it. She caught nothing. She tried again, hurling her hands at the emptiness, trying to grab something that she could hold on to. Try as she might, there is nothing.

She could remember it all the head. The images were so vivid. They replayed in her head over and over again. But why couldn’t she feel it again in her hands? She didn’t want them to be just images. Fake images. Intangible deceitful stuff. She needed them real. Real things that she could feel and touch and know that they exist. That would give her security. Yes security. Security. It seemed all so elusive.

She hated herself for being like this. She knew she was being too self-absorbed. Every nite she stood at the balcony and tried the best she could to bring those memories to life, making the images real. It is not possible, she realised, for the umpteenth time. She could not replicate them alone. Tears began to form at her eyes. Her heart was squeezed and she could feel air escaping her lungs.

His photograph was in her left hand. She stared hard at it. She could not stop the tears from overwhelming her. She asked too many whys and whys. Sometimes, there is no why. Things happen for no reason. Things happen just because they want to happen. Or maybe things happen to deliberately sadden her. Someone up there must be playing a trick on her and took pleasure in seeing her down in the dumps. She glared at the nite sky. ‘screw u,’ she muttered to herself. ‘whoever it is, fuck u.’ the sick person up there who planned these events in her life seriously deserved to be mutilated.

She saw the razor on the table. That thought came to her mind again. To end it once and for all. She resisted. She knew that if she did it to herself, she might never see him again, not even after death. She would be burning in the tongues of flames deep down in hell for taking her own life.

Tim.

The sun was up in the sky and his rays forced her eyes open. It was day again. She needed to do what she needs to do everyday. She went down to her car and drove off. Once again, she reached the place. She walked on the pathway, in the same manner like she did everyday. Finally, she reached the place.

‘Tim.’ She put down the bouquet of flowers on the cold stone and looked at the picture again, trembling. ‘Tim.’ Her tears began to flow again as she hugged the stone on the grave. He was too insensitive, selfish and unloving to leave her all behind.

its nite time again. the same darkness. the same blank sky each nite. he laid on the bench, resting his head on his arms, staring at the blanket of the nite. hadnt he been here at the same place, staring at the same spot on the sky before? in fact, he had done that countless times. history seems to repeat itself, he is seemingly trapped in this cycle. who determines this cycle? is he being programmed to do these things that he do, and even think this thought that just flashed across his mind? he looked around himself. the landscap was pretty barren, which was rather expected for this time of the day. doffles was already sleeping at the far end under the tree. that bitchy cherie is still flirting with the other males in the park. are they thinking what he is thinking? clearly not. in the first place, what the hell is he even thinking about?

random sporadic thoughts. disorganised and frivolous thoughts. all these that meant to only ridicule himself. nevertheless, this felt so addictive. its like a black hole, sucking him in. he noes that he is sinking in, at the same time, he is drawn by the mystery and suspense that it offers. he wants to unveil the mask and see the face, take off the clothes and see the nakedness. the bare reality of it all. yet, despite being sucked in, nothing more is revealed. the sexiness still lingers and he longs for more. he is already in the black hole and theres no turning back. occasionally, he manages to retrace his steps and move against the current. but before he could reach the safety zone, the vacuum would pull him further back in. a part of him did enjoy that. the to and fro motion that he underwent. tedious and unrewarding, but somehow, in a way, satisfying.

he blinked his eyes and retrieved his mind from the black hole for a moment. he tapped at the stone bench he was on with his right hand. its hard. yeah. he is there. he is real. at least it feels more secure. something tangible, something that he can touch and feel. isnt this better? keep out of the danger zone which holds so many uncertainties and questions with no answers. the safety zone here offers u order and predictability, though dull and suffocating, can sometimes be soothing and comforting as well.

yes, he thought to himself. he needs this comfort now. because he can feel the growl in his stomach. the desire for food. he walked around, hoping to find something he could salvage. doffles would probably have some food hidden somewhere, but he is already asleep. cherie would definitely have got quite some bit through flirting, but she probably would not spare him any.

at the end of the pathway, there was a group of young delinquents. people. properly loaded with food too. he scurried over. one of the young boys was chewing on a chicken wing. foood... he salivated uncontrollably. the boy chewed off the last bit of meat on the chicken wing and fling the bone onto the grass patch.

food at last. he pounced on it, picked it up with his teeth and hurried back to his bench.


'pathetic dog! hahah...'

'yeah, such a brainless creature! how stupid can animals get..'

'alrite, let's go back and play our computer games.'

'yeah of course. got to do something meaningful in the nite rather than wasting it away like that pathetic dog haha..'

He lit a fag,
put down his sling bag
leaned back against his chair
unperturbed by the glare.
Puffed a cloud
feeling down and out.

Mindless quarrels
Endless squabbles
Meaningless arguments
Repeated disappointments

She could not see it,
despite him repeatedly going at it.
Speaking Greek to English?
No one can revive a dead fish.

A lost cause,
an expected loss.
Ideals of a perfect family
were never meant to be.

No light at the end of the tunnel
Some live forever in the dark corner,
never ever seeing the light.
Indeed its a pitiful sight.

Attempts to break down
the walls of darkness are failure bound.
The real world is never ideal.
Painstaking efforts to create one can only kill.
Utter disappointment
in something devoid of love and filled with resentment.

He knows the way out
He knew it eons ago when he was first thrown out
He took the way before,
it worked, but still it feels sore.

Wanting to end it once and for all,
he tried it once more.
Once again, he was proven wrong.
He buries his head down, tearing to the mournful song.

he had been waiting for this day. it was arranged some time ago and he was looking forward to it. mental preparations had been made and he had psyched himself up for it. it is not the first time. but it is gonna create a greater impact than the previous times.

he recallled how big an issue it had become the last time it happened. he was on the news, radios, magazines and literally everywhere in the world. he even appearead in some toys and t-shirts. this time, it must create a bigger bang than that.

they had arranged for it to come in 2 days' time. adrenalin was rushing thru his veins and he couldnt sleep at all as the date draws near. the collapse of the buildings, the scurrying pple, the dying cries, the cloud of dust that resembles the atomic bomb of the World War etc. it may seem sadistic to others, but to him, he is doing it for the greater good.

he got out of his bed each day thinking abt the day thats gonna come. its gonna come soon, hopefully. hopefully it would not be foiled again like many of those that happened before. contrary to popular belief, he is not the mastermind of all the operations. he is a mere scapegoat. he awaits instructions obediently and patiently while his thirst for blood and battle hunger is about to drive him crazy.

Now its drawing closer. Even closer than before. Just 1 more day.


'Osama?'

'Yes?'

'An instruction had been passed down. The operations scheduled for tommorrow had been postponed.'


He was dumbfounded. He sort of expected it though. It had happened before and so he should expect it to happen again. He had worried for nothing. The adrenalin were wasted for nothing. The sleepless nights were totally uncalled for again. At least it is just postponed. Another date would be given and it can still be executed. Well, he just hopes that it is not cancellled.

He walked into his prayer room, sat down and meditated.

he is sometimes known as Gary. or Jerry. sometimes Jeremy or Terry. or any other names he could think of at that pt in time. hes like a chameleon, without a fixed identity. one moment he is just a person picking up a call, the next moment he is the manager, the next moment he is an admin staff. who is he really? are they all the same?

he is seldom what his IC says he is, unless its pple he already knows. even to those who know him, not all know him as his real name. some addresses him by his surname. he knows who he is. he prefers to be someone he is not.

he would rather be Gary, Jerry, Jeremy, Terry or anyone else out there. someone that no1 has any expectations of. someone that has no responsibilities.

each time the fone rings, he is preparing himself for a new identity. so far, Tenacious hasn't shown up yet. wonder what would the caller's reaction be if Tenacious were to answer the calls. but that would almost never happen. its just not appropriate.

geishas hide their true self behind their painted faces. he hides himself beneath his skin, under the facade of these different names.

i m not leaving afterall. yes i m extremely tired, but i would carry on. perhaps sometimes i m too harsh with myself, putting too much pressure and expectations on myself. i have to realise that i m afterall human, and i do need help. i used to think that i m a blackhole, that i have an unlimited capacity to consume everything that comes along. i thought that i would never burn out. seriously, i have never felt burnt out before in my life.

i cannot turn away a fren's plea. i noe that if i quit, it is the end. there is no replacement. no1 can take over from me, at least at this point in time. if i quit, he would stand to lose much more. i have come this far, surely a lil more wouldnt harm. i appreciate his understanding.

now i m back again. like a phoenix reborn. i will come back stronger than ever before.

'i get knocked down
but i get up again
and u're never gonna take me down'

nothing can cut me now. my skin is now lined with diamond, even the sharpest object wun be able to penetrate. i will never be brought down again. 1 day to recharge, and i m ready for the bullet train race.

i may not be able to complete a marathon sprinting the first 2 km at top speed. it was a foolhardy move i took. i suffered the consequence of my own temerarious decision. now i would pace it well, and once again i would be the bastion of strength, the impenetrable fortress.

and so it ended. slightly more than a year. it is kinda sad to leave. it is painful but necessary. it has been taking too much out of me. i m not superman. yes i m the champion of the world, but i m only human. theres still a limit. i was stretched beyond my limit. i m terribly drained now.

i know i have endless amounts of energy. in sec sch, i bring in more than 1400 bucks in 2 days of jobweek almost every year. not by luck or wad, but by mere endurance and determination. at mt biang, i carried the load nobody wanted to carry for 2 days. i din die. i can sleep for 1 hr and wake up the next day doing work for H and is still sober. sometimes i really think this energy would last me forever. i would like to think so too.

it sounds damn fun and slack to tell pple that u have a 2 day week. but does anyone know what it means? they think i m some stupid young punk who just wanna slack at home and play computer rite... they think i dun give a flying fark abt my studies.. when i said that i want to get first class honours they think that i m talking shit.. who really knows the meaning behind them? who knows whats really hidden beneath my skin?

my dream is to be a psychologist.. has been this for many years. cos i think my family is farked, and i dun want other families to be farked. so i wanna be a psychologist to unfark all the families that are already farked. i wanna help pple to get outta their emotional troubles. perhaps at the start it is already all wrong. my family is farked so how can i expect myself to help? i m emotionally unstable and always have the weirdest and most ridiculous views ever so how can i expect to give others good advice?

perhaps a dream will always remain as a dream. i know i need my masters if i wanna be a psychologist, and the only way for a pauper like me to do masters is to get a scholarship. the only way to that is to get first class honours. i suppose no1 knows that i m really damn serious abt it. maybe i only want and wish that i m serious abt it, but i cant actually do it. its true that i cant actually do it. its true.

the past sem's grades were a disaster. why? cos i really have no time to study, till the very last part.. i have 24 hrs a day but i dun have much of those hrs to myself. most of the time are either spent doing things for H, thinking of what H needs, planning what H would require me to do... H H H H H H H H..... i have no complaints. when i give my 100% i dun expect to receive 1% of grattitude from anyone. cos i give it free of charge, willingly.

everyone told me to prioritise properly. i refused to listen. i said H and sch are on equal standings. in practice, theres no sch. theres only H. i packed my timetable to 2 days a week. so that the rest of the time is all H's. 10am-6 pm without a break in between. does it sound fun? does it sound slack?

i said i quit smoking. and yea i did quit. its not difficult. its a piece of cake. only H can cause me enough problems to pick it up again. this is damn shit.

at least it is over. i have emailed him. i hope he would not try to ask me to stay.. knowing him, i think he would. knowing myself, i think i might give in. at the end of the day, it might actually not be over. but i think its over for me.

it has been deluding him for the past few mths. so far sleep hasn't been too bad. not really getting insomnia as often now, occasionally he still manages to have undisturbed sleep though sometimes he would wake up at odd times in the middle of the night. but he has not got any nightmares. or dreams. for mths.

he wonders how his friends are doing at lalaland. it had been such a long time. he wished he could meet them to catch up, whether or not the situation over there had improved, or gone for the worse. no news is good news. so he is inclined to think on the positive side. even if the worst do happen, there is nothing he can do, unless he can get back in there. he can only wait. it is extremely stressful to wait, expecting an undesirable outcome. optimism would do him more good than anything else.

still, sometimes its inevitable. maybe they really are going through bad times, the worst that they had ever experienced. so bad that they had no means to get through to him for help.

he tossed and turned under his blanket. eventually, he shut out all thoughts from his mind, and let himself rest.



the next day began like any other day. he was on his daily routine, going on his way to work. the streets were unusually busy and everyone were gathering in groups, all muttering something to each other, as though there is a new hot topic to talk abt in town. wad else could be new and interesting in this world? elections? terrorists attacks again? earthquakes? he sniggered to himself. meaningless superficialities.

a little young girl walked past him, holding her mother's hand and licking on a lollipop. she was describing her dream to her mother in such enthusiasm.

'i saw donald duck and mickey mouse. they brought me to a candy palace and eat M&Ms from trees! they told me that im their princess!!'

'yes dear, but its a dream. candy dun grow on trees. u noe it dear.'

'its real. they told me its real! and they say they would bring me back there again!'

'alrite alrite. tell me abt it again when u get back there okay?'


the little young girl has dreams. she had been there. people are still going there. at least thats a good sign, he thought to himself. '...its a dream...' the mother's words stayed for a moment in his mind. yeah. so what if its a dream? cant a dream be real? what makes this world more real than the dream world? sigh. ignorance is bliss. choosing to disbelieve is never a bad choice.

if only he can convince himself that skepticism is the logical and rational way to think of dreams. he knows he cant because he had been through it. as he was thinking about this, something furry took his hand. he turned and saw a rabbit!

'Balbus! goodness gracious! how did u come here???'

'lets go somewhere.'


the rabbit scurried into a small alley and he followed. they entered a small house and went into one of the rooms.

'Joe.. it's been a while.. '

'Balbus, wads going on? if u are here, wad abt the rest? and are those pple coming too?'

'its a matter of time before all of them finds out. candies from trees are already melting over there.. ice cream sometimes now melt on sunny days. some times we cant do certain things even when we imagine very hard that we could do them.. its no longer the same'

'why is this the case?'

'cos no1 believes now. they think that their dreams are not real. even when they are dreaming, they think they are not real. when they come over here, their skepticism is especially draining for us. when there is no more clear line between us and them, every1 wil have to suffer the consequence. by then they would know not even know that we are real. when the Nightmares enter the waking world and run havoc, it would just reinforce their impression that dreams arent real and are a waste of time.'

when people dream, it is not just a flicker of thought going through the brain when they are sleeping, though most people now think so. every1 is living in the world, be it in the waking world or the dream. the distinction could be made because the balance is maintained whenever someone goes into the dream and fully believes in it, and in the process enjoy themselves with the people there. if the balance is upset, the distinction would slowly become nothing. most people go into dreams now not fully enjoying them, some even to the extent of thinking that its a waste of their sleeping time and want to get out of the dream as soon as possible. little do they know that they are doing themselves a disfavour. if the people of lalaland cannot convince the dreamer that they are experiencing something real, the lifeforce that keeps lalaland going would slowly drain away.

now, it was made known to him that the consequence of that is the gradual extinction of lalaland altogether. the people of lalaland would soon have to cross over to the waking world. and those other people, those of the Nightmares, would follow. Right into the waking world. and people would experience the Nightmares while in the waking. When the time comes, it would be a sad thing indeed.

when lalaland disappears, the common people's idea that dreams are not real would be true. it would indeed be that dreams are non-existent. and everyone would stop having dreams altogether. the good things would never happen again, not in their sleep. bad things would come again and again, after the Nightmares fully infiltrate the waking world.

if everyone was like the little girl, if they believed in their dreams, lalaland would not be drained of her life like it is fast becoming now. Everyone believes dreams at the start. just that when they grow old, they think that dreams are for children. Children are always so happy because they believe in their dreams.


'Balbus. i have been trying to get over to see u all but to no avail.'

'maybe u know too much. the laws of nature are all made known to u and so they intend to shut u out of this game.'

'y dint u all bring me in then? i can help. getting one more person who believes in lalaland is better than getting a whole load of skeptics!'

'u believe because u knew. u din believe because u wanted to believe. wad makes u so different from the skeptics anyway? u cant fool Mother Nature. maybe u would be like them if u din know. u cant be of much help anyway. we would be better off getting people who might have a chance of believing in us.'

'so wads ur purpose here?'

'soon there would be no difference between here and there anymore. might as well come here earlier. soon i may not even be able to speak in a language u can understand. when lalaland disappears, everyone in lalaland would become what u people here expect us to be.'

'hey no we dun sell this here.. haha.. most shops usually dun carry russian brands.' the shopkeeper chuckled, almost amused by Juk's enquiry. Juk frowned and left. shld have expected it rite. how many russian brands have anyone heard of before? Yaheuh. most shopkeepers probably would ask 'What?' and would repeat the same question even if he says it again. almost unheard of. a yaheuh musical box. Juk needs it.


'no we dun have it.'

'do u know where i can get it?'

'not here.'

'if a shop happens to sell it, how much would it roughly cost?'

'cheap, hahhaa, i can tell u very cheap. that sorta brands, almost worthless ahhaha.'


worthless. so be it. Juk saw the picture of it online. an old classic wooden musical box. he wants it badly.

he had soon gone thru all the shops on the street. as expected, he had no results. he knew there was no way he could find it in the country, now that he had searched the entire street, best known for selling all sorta musical boxes available in the market.

he sensed a feeling of loss, seems like a part of himself has disappeared, and he needs to find it back, to lay his hands on the yaheuh. ever since he saw that picture 2 days ago, part of his soul had already grown too impatient, and wandered off first in search for it. not much time left, really.

he walked back all the way to the white building, face sullen. he thought there was a glimmer of hope. he thought it might be possible to find it there. perhaps the picture he saw was the closest he could ever get to. closest, yet it is still not enough. he needs to hold it in his hand and feel the weight of it on his palm. well. so what if he somehow manages to? it might not be enough. cos he would expect more to come still. he shld be satisfied, the greed of hope kills. reality is meant to disappoint, never to match the potential of realising the expectation.

enough is enough. he decided that it would be over. Juk turned the knob on the door and entered his ward. he sat on his white bed. taking the laptop from the small table beside the bed, he placed it in front of him on the bed. it took a while to start. it din take long for Juk to feel the heat of the machine on his white bedsheets. warmth. some warmth. artificial. too fake.

Juk shook his head. everything around him seems to be placed there to disappoint. he logged on to the internet and typed in the website again. he could see the beautiful description giving praise to the musical box every shopkeeper on the streets had laughed at. but the picture was no longer there. the cursor moved over to the 'refresh' button. the page was reloaded. nothing changed.

a drop of tear escaped from his right eye. a sharp pain pierced his heart. he could not control his heartbeat. all of a sudden, it seemed to go all haywire. he clutched his chest. he slipped from his bed and slumped onto the floor.

'help help!' these cries were made by those on the other beds. the doctors rushed in.

the next thing he knew, he was on his bed again. hah. still alive. he wondered how long more can he still play this cat and mouse game with Death.


'hey Juk. thank god we got in time. dun move ard too much yea? try to stay on ur bed and everything would be fine.'

'fine? wads fine? i had at most 2 mths rite? hahaha.. perhaps 2 mths would be fine.. perhaps it would be better if its shorter hahahha...'

'dun say that.. be strong k? anyway, have u got a grandson?'

'no. i m not married. u know that.'

'a small kid just asked me to pass u this. thought it was ur grandson.'


the doctor passed Juk a nicely wrapped box.


'have fun opening it. do cheer up.. i'll b off. let me know if u need anything..'

'alrite.. cya.. thanks..'


Juk smiled to himself. a grandson? a real joke if u ask him. maybe he would have a grandson if he had stayed in Russia. that was a bad thought. it suddenly brings back more memories. he tossed the box in his hand. then, he carefully peeled away the piece of paper wrapped around it. a little excitement runs in now. he opened the cardboard box. he was dumbfounded. yaheuh. he held it against his chest.

he had no control over his tears any longer. 40 years of pain.. he lied on his bed.. the memories started floating in his head. Yuri.. the musical box. the last thing he gave her before he was forced to leave. to come to this foreign land. all in hope to provide a better life for them back there. the letters never got replied after some time. when he returned, the whole house they lived in were no longer there. caught in a fire in the middle of the nite, he was told by neighbours. everything disappeared from then on. all he wanted was a better life for both of them. but he lost all that he ever wanted.

he contemplated many times to seek Death. but he knows God would condemn him and he would never ever see Yuri again. he grown all too impatient in waiting for Death's arrival. he knew he did not have to wait for long. it was about time. all the years of waiting. it is gonna come anytime now.

he hugged onto the musical box as tightly as he could.. he closed his eyes. he smiled. the heart beat again started to beat unsteadily.. faster and faster. slowed down.. faster and faster again.. faster.. too fast.. then it stopped. completely.


Yuri walked out of the hospital, holding a young boy by his hand.


'whos that old man just now, granny?'

'an old friend. dun ask so many questions. lets go home quickly. granpa's waiting.'

the train mechanically comes to a halt. the doors slid open and the ugly pple swarmed out in masses, trying to squeeze past one another as though the more they squeeze the easier they would get outta the crowd. the boy stood behind the entire mess, numb to this ridiculous scene. for a moment, he seemed to be locked out of this world. the vision of the moving crowd still stays, but the ears hear nothing except for the sound of vacuum zoning in on the ears. there was no breath. it was just for a moment, before the signals of the closing doors woke him out from his spell. he hurriedly got in between the sliding doors, which were already half closed. this sudden exertion of his leg muscles sorta shook him up a lil, an early morning boost which he so desperately needs.

it is a every-morning routine. the same train. the same dreadful ugly pple. the same stop. the same lethargy. he is not where he wants to be, maybe he is, but he is not too sure. some pple would say how lucky he is to make it there, how smart he was and how they wished they could belong there too. they know nothing. just like those pple who were already there like him, they know nothing too. he, himself, probably knows nothing too.

he is not sure what exactly his mind is thinking. it seems to be roaming around many different things, some big issues that concern humanity, some smaller issues involving people around him and some on a smaller scale, at the personal level, his own inner thoughts. roaming around these many issues, touching them a little below the surface then turning away in disgust. such dissatisfaction.

he goes through this every morning whenever he reaches the stop that says 'Buona Vista'. this same thought process that haunts him every morning haunted him again today and he was delayed by another minute on the platform, in the same daze as he was minutes before behind the closing train doors. he was standing still, staring fixedly at one invisble spot on the screen of thin air erected directly in front of his human frame. he got into the spell again.

cacophony of the ugly pple complaining and train doors closing signals penetrated his ears. he breathed in some air. but his eyes were still fixed at that invisible spot. his limbs seemed to be immobilised.

he stumbled. the crowd coming out from the train that just arrived showed no mercy for him, they muscled him aside and cast some glances of displeasure at him, cursing him for his inconsideration in blocking the pathway. he shook his head. and he shook it again. he knows he got to stop daydreaming.

he walked into the crowd and blended into them. soon, he was walking the same kind of pace the ugly pple walk. he took the escalator down and exited the gantry. he went on another escalator that would bring him outta the station. he was now at the ground floor. same shit, different day. he sighed.

a few steps ahead, the Tunnel lies before him. it was fairly lit at this time. he carried on, and proceeded into the Tunnel. the smell of rotting leaves and murky drainwater pervaded his respiratory system. nothing alien. he continued walking. soon, the stench became more and more unbearable. this is the first time he is experiencing this. he thought he should have been immune to it considering this Tunnel is his routine path for 2 years already. he hastened his footsteps, not willing to put up with the smell any longer. the Tunnel seemed to be longer than usual today. it is usually only a 3 min walk, but it seemed like he had walked for ten minutes.

he stopped for a while, with his right hand covered on his nose. he looked back, and looked at the end of the Tunnel again. he is halfway through. he started walking again. the smell is suddenly gone. he let his right hand down and smiled to himself, heaving a sigh of relief. he slowed down his footsteps and began to drag his feet, walking at a leisurely pace now. he knows he is gonna be late. he doesnt care. its better to be late than to attend morning assembly.

he began to notice that the lights in the tunnel have started to dim. he looked behind him and looked at the end of the Tunnel again. he is still HALFWAY through. ??? the lights began to flicker, the stench started to come back and the walls of the Tunnel seemed to be moving in out and out of its place. he wanted to shake his head again, but he couldnt. he cant breathe. he cant smell anything. his eyes cant move. his limbs were locked. screams couldnt emerge from his throat. he was locked in a seeming forcefield.

his eyelids were suddenly forced shut. he was in darkness. he doesnt know wads going on ard him. maybe it doesnt matter. he couldnt see anyway with his eyes closed. a spark of light broke the darkness, for a second. the sound of wind. a very strong gust of wind. a big splash of light, blinding the total darkness. his pulsating nerves were no longer like choppy waters. they were now calmer than ever before. his heart beat at a steady rate.

the next moment, he saw a familiar boy wearing the same uniform as him walk into the Tunnel, and out of the Tunnel and disappeared. then he came back again, went through the Tunnel and to the station. the same boy kept walking up and down and this same scene repeatedly flashed itself to him again and again till it disturbed the serenity he had a little. the boy appeared at the end of the Tunnel again, now holding a piece of paper in his hand, walking with a group of frens, smiling in glee. they walked past him and into the station.

then a soldier started walking from the station to the end of the Tunnel and disappeared. moments later, he appeared again, at the end of the Tunnel, and walked all the way back to the station. the Tunnel became empty for some time. it seemed like a long time. no footsteps, no light, no smell, not a hint of life present in it. he stood there, still locked out of this world. wondering wads happening to himself.

he heard footsteps. he turned behind and saw a man in formal clothes walking smartly into Tunnel. he walked through it till the end and disappeared. this series of weird occurences made no sense to him.

he was waiting for the next character to appear. he waited. it is beginning to iritate him. the air becomes too stale and its getting stuffy. beads of perspiration began to form on his forehead. those beads of perspiration are causing discomfort to his skin. he cursed and muttered a vulgarity, then lifted up his sleeve to wipe off the perspiration. then he stopped.

it is over. he scratched his head. totally puzzled. he remembered that he was late for school. he lifted up his schoolbag. ??? a BRIEFCASE? he looked at himself. he was in formal clothes. wads happening? he took out his file from the briefcase and saw the documents he prepared the night earlier. he was supposed to give a speech at the graduation assembly today. he hurried towards the school. its not nice to keep the whole school waiting.

for a second, he thought about the boy standing in the Tunnel. who was that? he had no time for such questions. he took bigger steps and made his way to the school as quickly as he could.

1 year ago was when it all started. I would think that it was started on impulse, perhaps others would think otherwise. come to think of it, it was done without much planning, in a rather haphazard manner. without a proper start, one cant really expect much to come out of it. the effects of insufficient planning soon hit us. we had no idea who we were up against, what are the possibilities. closet plannning is really silly, looking back. targets were set, but till now we were nowhere close. unrealistic expectations, made realistic only by our own ignorance and fantasies.

maybe gotta thank Lady Luck, or maybe gotta thank me for being the Champion of the World, somehow, we managed to get on track. a little.. before more poor planning come back to haunt us again. underestimation of costs, frivolous expenditures, biting off more than what we could chew.. a bit too anxious, too impatient..

suddenly, a spate of problems started throwing themselves at us.. never rains but it pours.. people coming and leaving.. people who said they would come but never came.. people who wanted to leave but stayed on... people who wanted to stay but somehow left.. transitions after transitions...

perhaps the Tarot reader was right.. theres just some mysterious force that seem to steer us outta trouble.. whenever theres a problem, the solution always aint too far away.. may not be easy, but it is eventually attainable.. never had a situation occurred where no solutions could be found..

plunged to the lowest point 2-3 mth's back... effects of poor planning again.. seriously... fail to plan, plan to fail.. sometimes.. things cant be forced.. cannot means cannot.. a pebble is a pebble, if u insist that it becomes a turtle egg somehow, perhaps pple may try to convince themselves that the pebble may indeed be a turtle egg, but eventually, the turtle would not crawl outta the pebble. no1's fault, really... too immature, too impatient, too rash.. again..

miraculously, we bounced back again.. now its like things are brighter than before... irrelevant expenditures were cut greatly, not exactly by choice though.. still, it is rather tight.. in fact, more tight than ever before..

it seems like its bright, yet tinges of darknesses occasionally pops out behind the shade of brightness to make it seem not that great at all.. this sorta weird weather that u dunno if its considered a sunny day or a cloudy day.. perhaps its a sunny cloudy day.. at least its not a rainy day..

wonder how i fell so sick... tom yam noodles for supper, then breakfast, then dinner and then supper again... plus some pineapple tarts in between... just like that and i fell sick.. must be the damn weather... the weather nowadays really siao... this is farking singapore, an equitorial region lar.. the weather shld bloody hell noe his role and stick to the rules man... goddamn raining everyday... think must be ben that day come my house blast the fan at nite then make me so damn sick now...

started off with a sorethroat, then became giddiness and fever... this morning all of a sudden i kena diarrhoea!!!! wtf man... totally no relation man.. how can a sorethroat, giddiness and fever be the symptoms to an impending diarrhoea??? furthermore i din even eat much the day before.. cos i was feeling so sick, i only had 1 bowl of fish noodles, sugar cane juice and soya bean the whole day..

diarrhoea is one of the worst shit in the world man.. literally.. u dun even noe whether its in a solid or liquid state and its really bad shit.. at first i thot it was just some gas, but the process of diarroearisation suddenly chose to step in and within seconds, the gas become some weird mixture of liquid and solid.. i thought no 21 year old would do this sorta shit in his pants.. i was proven wrong 5 times.. 5 times!!!! wadahell. kena one stealth attack by diarrhoearisation when i was sleeping halfway too... wtf man..

at least now the fever is gone, but still damn scared of the stealth assasin.. dunno when he will strike again...

for some strange reasons, i m blogging. i din realised till now that i had a previous blog, with like only 2 entries. i suppose this one may end up the same. strangely, some guy left a comment at my previous blog.... (hey thank u for reading, if u happen to see this as well)

the last entry of my previous blog was abt tidying up my room.. man.. 21 years of my life i never knew wad tidying my room really means till a few days ago when i REALLY tidied it.. it is at its CLEANEST state ever now... eliza said wait one week and see... hey man.. this time the room cant be messed up cos theres nothing left to be messed... threw away one big cupboard, one small cupboard, old toys, old books since secondary sch days, gave away a pile of comics, threw away another pile of comics, threw away my water bag, my rope, my scout uniform, candles, a few hammocks.... and lots more rubbish...

when i told ben that my room is damn clean now, he just laughed in disbelief.. even when he finally believed that it is tidy and neat, he thinks that it would all be gone in a matter of days... it is extremely foolhardy to think in such a manner... cant believe that these pple do not even trust the saviour of their world, of THE world, to keep his own room tidy. ben is coming to my place in abt 2 hrs time.. at 2 am.. goddamn 2 am..hope i m awake still man... he will have a shock of his life when he sees how neat it is..

tidying my room is indeed a chore and it is bad for health too, physically and mentally.. the mental torture of doing a supreme test of never ending endurace, throwing items after items away, wiping away layers of dust etc... is like an endless activity. the whole room is in an extremely dusty state too, i can feel them tickling my nostrils.. perhaps that explains y i m sick now... nevertheless, it is an interesting experience.

i got to look through many items which i had but never gave a second look after chucking them in the drawers. things like, blue slips, greeting cards etc...

1. a thick wad of blue slips -

all taken during jc times... the master copy which winston hodge signed and granted me countless half days is still there lol...

2. greeting cards -

so many of them man... 1 each from ben and changyong when they were overseas... the most coming from shuwei and joanne.... shuwei sent me a strange xmas greeting this year.. dun really know wad it means, but i guess its something abt his disappointment in me not being more involved in the Group... really dunno wad to say abt that... i liked his previous one where he wrote his greetings on the back of a jigsaw and jumbled them up hehe.. joanne dint send me xmas card this year.. guess she still din wanna be my fren at that time.. at least now we were ok... called me for the past 2 days..

the one that got me laughing was a card by Ling Khoon Chow, my bio teacher in sec 4.. it said something like 'u are one of the untidiest person i have ever met. u are so messy that sometimes i feel like tearing my hair out'.. also his progress reports comments like 'i think u are quite a bright student. but y dun u wanna study?' wonder hows he doing now man...

its like one of those moments in life where u look back and reflect upon wad happened.. had plenty of these sorta moments when i was in army.. cos theres nothing else to do if u dun do that lol.... i think i have grown and matured in many ways.. though ACY always likes to say that my mental maturity never progressed beyond sec 2, i know that deep down inside him he is worshipping me like a God..

a new year, a new life? not a good way to start a new year where the first week of the year ends on fridae the thirteenth... bloody cursed number.. seems like many thigns went wrong todae... bloody housekeeper pang seh me.. say till she really wants the job and after all the arrangements she failed to turn up.. bloody hell off her fone after hearin my voice some more.. argh.... complain here and there that u got no job, then when pple give u a job, u pangseh.. not the first time already lar.. no wonder so many jobless pple out there.. i pity those who tried but really cannot get a job, but i think those, who are like the farker who pang seh me jus now, really deserved to be jobless... nothing to say man... then mark langgar again.. he damn broke already still kena this kinda shit.. dark also like claypotting lately... and ben missed his flight!!! damn cock.... miss flight then have to stay over at my house.. luckily my uncle not coming my house tonite...

problems seem to keep popping up, and there seems to be no end.. when will everything stabilise? i really wonder... at the moment, i cant seem to see the next step i m taking... the path ahead is shrouded in a thick fog, possibly caused by the rainy weather these couple of days.. plus all the dust that made my eyes watery probably blurred my vision as well... nevertheless, nothing is clear to me.. i m treading on uncertainty.. i may not be happy, its hard to be happy, but at least i think i wanna do it...