Beneath My Skin

So it happened again. She had done it again. Not that she really wanted to do it. But again and again it happened. Now she found herself in the same place she had been so many times. This is all too familiar. She looked up into the sky. The same dark nite sky. Where are the stars? Where is the moon? Cant they appear to at least show some comfort?

And there he stood. He always appeared so disgusting. Yet not always, but only at this time, when the passion is all over and the heat of the moment had passed. Oh it would always seem so romantic. The handholding. The peck on the cheek. The solitary walks in the park. And then the peck. And then the pecks would grow longer. The hugs deeper. Before they knew it, they were at it again. And now there he was again as he always looked. So selfish, so disgusting. But she never saw it. Not till it was all over. Yet again and again it happened.

She loathed him. He was an insensitive, selfish and unloving prick. But why? Why? Why? Why did it only always appear at their final throws of passion? It had passed. It was no longer present. She stood there in the still air. All she could feel was the nite air caressing her skin. She raised her hand and tried to get hold of it. She caught nothing. She tried again, hurling her hands at the emptiness, trying to grab something that she could hold on to. Try as she might, there is nothing.

She could remember it all the head. The images were so vivid. They replayed in her head over and over again. But why couldn’t she feel it again in her hands? She didn’t want them to be just images. Fake images. Intangible deceitful stuff. She needed them real. Real things that she could feel and touch and know that they exist. That would give her security. Yes security. Security. It seemed all so elusive.

She hated herself for being like this. She knew she was being too self-absorbed. Every nite she stood at the balcony and tried the best she could to bring those memories to life, making the images real. It is not possible, she realised, for the umpteenth time. She could not replicate them alone. Tears began to form at her eyes. Her heart was squeezed and she could feel air escaping her lungs.

His photograph was in her left hand. She stared hard at it. She could not stop the tears from overwhelming her. She asked too many whys and whys. Sometimes, there is no why. Things happen for no reason. Things happen just because they want to happen. Or maybe things happen to deliberately sadden her. Someone up there must be playing a trick on her and took pleasure in seeing her down in the dumps. She glared at the nite sky. ‘screw u,’ she muttered to herself. ‘whoever it is, fuck u.’ the sick person up there who planned these events in her life seriously deserved to be mutilated.

She saw the razor on the table. That thought came to her mind again. To end it once and for all. She resisted. She knew that if she did it to herself, she might never see him again, not even after death. She would be burning in the tongues of flames deep down in hell for taking her own life.

Tim.

The sun was up in the sky and his rays forced her eyes open. It was day again. She needed to do what she needs to do everyday. She went down to her car and drove off. Once again, she reached the place. She walked on the pathway, in the same manner like she did everyday. Finally, she reached the place.

‘Tim.’ She put down the bouquet of flowers on the cold stone and looked at the picture again, trembling. ‘Tim.’ Her tears began to flow again as she hugged the stone on the grave. He was too insensitive, selfish and unloving to leave her all behind.

its nite time again. the same darkness. the same blank sky each nite. he laid on the bench, resting his head on his arms, staring at the blanket of the nite. hadnt he been here at the same place, staring at the same spot on the sky before? in fact, he had done that countless times. history seems to repeat itself, he is seemingly trapped in this cycle. who determines this cycle? is he being programmed to do these things that he do, and even think this thought that just flashed across his mind? he looked around himself. the landscap was pretty barren, which was rather expected for this time of the day. doffles was already sleeping at the far end under the tree. that bitchy cherie is still flirting with the other males in the park. are they thinking what he is thinking? clearly not. in the first place, what the hell is he even thinking about?

random sporadic thoughts. disorganised and frivolous thoughts. all these that meant to only ridicule himself. nevertheless, this felt so addictive. its like a black hole, sucking him in. he noes that he is sinking in, at the same time, he is drawn by the mystery and suspense that it offers. he wants to unveil the mask and see the face, take off the clothes and see the nakedness. the bare reality of it all. yet, despite being sucked in, nothing more is revealed. the sexiness still lingers and he longs for more. he is already in the black hole and theres no turning back. occasionally, he manages to retrace his steps and move against the current. but before he could reach the safety zone, the vacuum would pull him further back in. a part of him did enjoy that. the to and fro motion that he underwent. tedious and unrewarding, but somehow, in a way, satisfying.

he blinked his eyes and retrieved his mind from the black hole for a moment. he tapped at the stone bench he was on with his right hand. its hard. yeah. he is there. he is real. at least it feels more secure. something tangible, something that he can touch and feel. isnt this better? keep out of the danger zone which holds so many uncertainties and questions with no answers. the safety zone here offers u order and predictability, though dull and suffocating, can sometimes be soothing and comforting as well.

yes, he thought to himself. he needs this comfort now. because he can feel the growl in his stomach. the desire for food. he walked around, hoping to find something he could salvage. doffles would probably have some food hidden somewhere, but he is already asleep. cherie would definitely have got quite some bit through flirting, but she probably would not spare him any.

at the end of the pathway, there was a group of young delinquents. people. properly loaded with food too. he scurried over. one of the young boys was chewing on a chicken wing. foood... he salivated uncontrollably. the boy chewed off the last bit of meat on the chicken wing and fling the bone onto the grass patch.

food at last. he pounced on it, picked it up with his teeth and hurried back to his bench.


'pathetic dog! hahah...'

'yeah, such a brainless creature! how stupid can animals get..'

'alrite, let's go back and play our computer games.'

'yeah of course. got to do something meaningful in the nite rather than wasting it away like that pathetic dog haha..'